50 not out...

Next week I will celebrate a huge milestone - my 50th birthday. I know some people don't feel this is one to celebrate, but since a few years ago we really didn't think I'd make it this far, it's going to be a VERY happy day!

I still feel inside as though I really haven't changed much since I was in my mid-20s, but I'm very aware that my outside has gone through a lot of change since then. And, as I reflect on who I was and who I am, actually there has been a lot of growth.

While I think that fundamentally I still have the same political and religious views as I've had for most of my life, I've grown in understanding and consideration. Whereas years ago I didn't necessarily understand the hurt and damage caused by exclusion (even through ignorance or lack of seeing, rather than deliberate choice), now I'm much more aware of the pain this causes. I've learned to recognise my own biases, and try to challenge these when I become aware of my prejudices, to prevent them turning into discrimination.

Maybe more than anything, I've realised just how precious life is. Yes, it's a cliche, but with every year that passes, everything feels more special and more precarious. November sees the 4th anniversary of my cancer diagnosis, and that looms like a dark shadow on the horizon. It's hard not to feel as though I'm approaching my expiry date, since I was given a 20% chance of surviving 5 years from diagnosis. As far as we can tell at this point, I have a pretty good chance of being in that 20% - I've survived 4 years so far, anyway! - but it does feel almost like a sort of deadline (pardon the pun!), and with each year passing I do feel a year closer to death in a very real way. As it happens, my first 3-month checkup, rather than monthly ones, falls on my birthday itself, so that feels very portentous - I just can't work out whether it's in a good or bad way! Either way, there will be cake!

My line manager asked me very cautiously a while back if I was going to be celebrating my birthday - to which I said a very definite YES! Maybe I should see if I can manage 50 kinds of cake. Lemon drizzle, chocolate, victoria sponge, raspberry swiss roll, prinsesstårta, cherry and almond cake, fruit loaf...