True to Myself

As I was looking at some of the 'Self-Aware Rebel' badges, the tagline for My Powers caught my eye: Be true to yourself. Anyone who has been involved in Girlguiding since the promise was last changed in 2013 will have come across this phrasing in the current version: I promise that I will do my best to be true to myself and develop my beliefs, to serve the King and my community, to help other people and to keep the (Brownie) Guide Law.

It's an interesting idea - what does it mean to be 'true to myself'? Does it mean I should do what I want at all times, because that's being true? Surely not! Rather, I see it as an aspirational idea - being true to the best version of me that I can be.

For most of my life I've been very fortunate to have stability in my relationships, my housing, my employment and my health. Of course there have been challenges along the way - my husband and I have been married for almost 25 years and have raised two children together. We've coped with moving house ten times (yes, really!), toddler tantrums, teenage battles, and our own frustrations too. But through it all, I've felt secure in who I am and what my life is like. And then November 2019 hit.

Cancer. By far the biggest challenge I've ever had to face - and the most overwhelming. In some ways I've been incredibly passive for the past 3 1/2 years, letting the medical experts tell me what they recommend, and following their instructions. Turning up for innumerable blood tests, consultations, scans, surgery, chemotherapy... At first I really didn't want to know any details - I simply couldn't face knowing more than I absolutely had to; by contrast, my Beloved needs to know as much as possible when faced with a crisis. So he listened, learned, googled, read clinical articles - and only told me what I wanted to know when I asked for it. Over time I've taken more ownership, if that's not too bizarre a word to use in the circumstances, and have found out more for myself and been actively involved in decisions about my treatment. But I'm so grateful that I was given the support, and the time and space to take my time and go at my own pace.

One of the things I most hate now is when people say 'you're such an inspiration!' - I've so far resisted the temptation to ask what exactly I'm inspiring them to do, but I do always wonder! ;) That said, there are definitely people who've inspired me in my life. My wonderful Granny, a woman of quiet faith, who was a widow for over 30 years but lived independently and kept busy with involvement in her community. My Mormor (Swedish grandmother) who raised 6 children after her husband died when the eldest was (I think) 16 and the youngest just two. As a child I found her rather intimidating, but as I've learned more about her in recent years, she was clearly an incredible woman, with great strength and integrity. My mum, sister, and best friend all inspire me in the way they each face up to challenges in life, grit their teeth, gird their loins, and Keep On Going. I think the superpowers which all of these wonderful women seem to share are tenacity and faith. The going may get tough, but these are not people who just give up and go away. They dig deep, take the help and support they're offered, and just keep on.

Could I be more like them? I don't know - I hope so, but I also hope that this is a trait I share with them. Like them, my faith gives me hope and strength. Like them, I do my best to stay strong and keep going. Like them (I'm sure), I have wobbles and bad times, but pick myself up, dust myself down, and start again.

So, if I could inspire anyone, who would it be? Firstly, my daughters. Of course I want them to have lives free of pain and difficulty, but this is reality so that's not going to happen. They have both already shown incredible strength in some of the things they've each been through which I obviously won't divulge. I want them to know that even when things seem utterly bleak, there is always love there. There is always someone reaching out to help. There is always hope. I want them to continue being true to their determined selves.

And on a lighter note, my Brownies. While I'm no longer regularly involved with my former unit, I do enjoy helping on occasion. My aim as a leader has always been to encourage the girls to develop into valuable members of society - not just in terms of practical skills such as baking, first aid, whatever - but in their approach to life. If there's a challenge, how can it be approached? Don't be afraid to try something new which might be a bit daunting - with people to support and encourage you, it can be the most rewarding thing just to try, whether or not you succeed. It's the best feeling as a leader, to see a girl try a new skill, sure she can't do it, but fighting against her own fears and insecurities to give it a go - and see her delight that she did it!

Over the past few years I've had to accept my limitations as my abilities in all directions have been severely curtailed. My memory, energy, focus are all very restricted, so I've had to learn to be kind to myself too. The idea that things will never go back to the way they were is a tough one to accept, but it is the reality, and in order to live my best life now, I have to work within my new boundaries. I've learned to accept that I'm no longer in charge of running the household, but my Beloved now does most of the chores. I delight every time I have a flash of the 'old me' at work, when I remember something from years back or make a helpful connection in my mind. And I'm letting go of some dreams, knowing that they're simply not going to happen.

At the same time, I'm constantly pushing at my boundaries, wanting to expand them as far as possible. I wasn't sure how well I'd cope with camping, but loved it as much as ever. I didn't think I could possibly walk 4 miles - then did so! I'm juggling lots of important things at work, and managing not to drop any balls, and still wanting a new challenge.

Others may see me being forgetful, or overlooking obvious things; I see me mourning the loss of brain function through chemo and ongoing treatments.

Others may see me not joining in social things, or asking for social events to be adapted so that I can join in; I see how many opportunities I miss, having to be careful and not taking risks about Covid. I see the sadness and loneliness of no longer being able to be a part of things.

Others may see me smiling and joking about my prognosis; I know the times I've sobbed and raged about it.

Others may see me determined to keep on working as long as I can; I see the fear of my disease stopping me working.

Others may see me looking healthy and well; I'm constantly aware of the time til the next blood test which tells me whether the treatment is still working and the cancer is being held at bay.

Others may see me looking forward to my holiday; I know my heart is quietly breaking at the thought that this will in all likelihood be my last trip to the beloved, most special places of my childhood holidays, and the last time I see that side of the family.

So I resolve to keep pushing my limitations gently, and to keep doing my best to be true to myself. I hope that one day my girls will feel that I've inspired them to be the best versions of themselves that they can be, striving to face up to challenges, and knowing there's no honour in defeat as long as they've truly tried.