As my nearest and dearest know all too well, I'm not good at cleaning and tidying. I do like things to be neat, but once they start getting cluttered, it's all too easy to give in and just add to the mess rather than putting things away properly. It's bad enough at home, where there are a limited number of people contributing, but in a work context it's impossible. I'm very fortunate to work in a place with people who are generally very good at not leaving mess for others to deal with - our shared kitchen is pleasant to use, dirty items are put in the dishwasher, the fridge is not a biohazard in which new life forms are developing in abandoned tupperware, and even the microwave gets cleaned regularly enough to stop it developing its own distinctive character. However, there are of course areas of general anonymous clutter here too.
It's always far too easy for me to turn a blind eye until something needs to be tackled - I've really not registered the amount of things in the kitchen which don't need to be there, or which definitely should be got rid of - but having gone in to make a fresh drink while a colleage was sorting the Cupboard of Doom, it was suddenly very easy to make quick decisions about 'offer elsewhere', 'bin', 'keep'. And of course the more we decided we could let go, the easier it was to make the same decision for other things.
At the risk of getting all philosophical, it seems to me there's a life lesson there for me. There are so many things - physical items and emotional issues - which I hold on to without really wanting to, but maintaining the status quo feels easier than facing up to the decision-making process. But once I do confront the choice, it's usually nothing like as painful as I anticipated, and the relief of having a clean and tidy space once I'm done more than makes up for the tribulations of getting to that state!
This week has been an exhausting week emotionally - with friend and family visits at the weekend (tiring in very different ways!), mental health counselling, and a gynae cancer support group meeting, I feel utterly drained. But through it all, as I've faced up to worries and fears, addressed complicated emotions, and found positives even in the midst of despair, I am starting to feel a little better. There's a sense of finding small moments of peace in all the turmoil, and using them to find more moments of peace.
A few months ago I started keeping a gratitude diary - just noting one thing each day that I'm grateful for, and this, too, is helpful in clearing my mental space. Instead of looking at all the stressful clutter in my mind, thinking about what I'm grateful for each day helps me to focus on the good, the peace-bringing. Whether it's a small, every-day kind of thing or a bigger more exciting event, a humdrum domestic moment or the miracle of the changing seasons, there is a space in which peace can be found every day.
Living with cancer, and the uncertainty of the future - or rather, the certainty of what the future holds - brings its own challenges. There hasn't been a day since my diagnosis that it hasn't had an impact on my life. But with the help of counselling, and the loving support of my family and friends, I'm learning to focus on the clear spaces, the moments of joy and peace, and living in them as much as possible.
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