Since my recent oncology check-up, I've somehow struggled to cope despite the news being good - the cancer still appears to be inactive and there are no signs of anything to be concerned about. While this is obviously positive, and what we hope for each time, there is a part of me which is exhausted by the uncertainty of not knowing when the cancer will recur, and the feeling of being unable to make future plans. And then, as if by magic, this week I was given the tool I needed to turn this around completely: the realisation that these check-ups are not to see if the cancer has come back yet, but instead are to confirm that everything is still good. Such a simple change, but such a revelation!
I'm not going to pretend that that's solved everything, and I'm now living life as though the previous 4 years hadn't happened, but it's defintely been liberating and has enabled me to find a much more optimistic mindset again. I've started thinking about where it might be nice to go for our summer holiday this year; realising that actually taking part in the national hasler (kayaking race) finals in the autumn might not just be a pipe dream (qualification is based on taking part in at least 3 races, not on any particular speed or ability!); and thinking about longer-term objectives at work.
Previously I've been very focussed on the low probability of surviving 5 years, given my stage at diagnosis, but since I'm now only 6 months away from that particular milestone, I'm feeling pretty confident I'll get there! So now it feels like the right move to change my focus, and make sure that I keep on being busy living and enjoying life - somehow that bit got rather lost for the past 6 months or so.
So this week has been a week of making positive steps forward. I baked a batch of cheese scones for lunch one day, because I've been wanting to have fresh cheese scones for a while now, and they're ridiculously quick and easy. (Baker badge, batch baked ticked off!). I've tried a new recipe for dinner one evening - it's been open in a tab on my phone for at least a year now, probably longer - nice enough to try again with prawns instead of fish. (That might be a Foodie badge clause perhaps).
And of course I've been kayaking! Always the kayaking. Since all the instructions about technique finally came together for me a few weeks ago, I've been conscious of trying to maintain that improvement - and what a difference it's making! Instead of being at the back of the group or occasionally in the middle, I'm now (almost) keeping up with people who are habitually much quicker than me. I've tried two different models of wobblier boat, with varying degrees of success, and am wondering if I might possibly be able to paddle one of them regularly by the end of the summer. And I'm looking for one more race local enough and on a date I can manage, to ensure that I've participated in enough to qualify me for national finals. I'm sure I'll be the slowest of the slow there, but I don't care - that's not the point. I just want to challenge myself to do something which puts me out of my comfort zone but will be an exciting and rewarding experience.
Yes, I finally feel that I'm reclaiming my life. Of course there will be good days and bad days to come, but remembering to focus on the good, the known, instead of the worry and unknown - that's enough for now, for today, and for this week. I'm back to being busy LIVING.
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